


more than anything in this world

by ilietomyselfallthetime



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: 27 years later, F/M, M/M, Mike adopts a dog, Richie centric, bev is pregnant, boy? i mean man, everyone is engaged, hes ancient, im shit at writing, mysterious event happened 27 years ago??, pennybitch is irrlevant, pennywise whom?, richie has problems, richie hasn't seen the losers since he was 24, richie is a nervous boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 00:39:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16733703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilietomyselfallthetime/pseuds/ilietomyselfallthetime
Summary: The last time the losers were all together was during a roadtrip to the Rocky Mountains. Everyone was happy, their futures were bright and their hearts filled with love. But, that was 27 years ago. And a lot can change over 27 years.





	more than anything in this world

**Author's Note:**

> I poured my soul into this please enjoy it :)  
> Italics= flashback

Richie Tozier was visiting the rest of the losers for the first time in roughly 27 years, and he couldn’t be more nervous. 

He was worried what they would think, since he hadn’t visited them before then- would they be upset with him? He hoped not. Richie was a strong man, but he knew he would completely shatter if any of them were disappointed in him. 

Richie tried to shake his thoughts by combing through his wild, graying hair. A lot had changed since the last time he saw his losers, he was only 22 then, and he was now an old man (at least in his eyes.)

He stared intensely at himself in the mirror while he tied his Hawaiian printed tie. He could practically hear Bev in his ear, a loud laugh at his outfit, and see her clearly in his mind. The last time he had seen Bev, she was pregnant and married to Haystack. He felt bad for not seeing the happy couple for such a long time, but he told himself they’d understand. Or at least he hoped they would. 

He knew Mike would. Mike Hanlon was the most understanding man Richie had ever met in his life. When he talked about how he was uncertain about his future, Mike understood. When he came to him, a scared teenager whose parents had kicked him out because of who he was, Mike understood. When he showed Mike the ring he’d bought for the man he loved, Mike put a hand on his shoulder and told him he was proud. He smiled at the memories of his friend, again resenting himself for not visiting sooner. Last time the losers were together, Mike was in talks of taking of over the family farm, and had begun looking into adopting a dog. He could see the man’s warm face sharply in his mind, and he could still feel his hand on his shoulder. 

He was unsure how Eddie and Bill felt about him taking so long. They had been freshly engaged, too, all smiles and sneaky kisses as they drove up to the Rocky Mountains. He remembers quite vividly, them holding hands and snickering as they whispered in each other’s ears, Richie smiled sweetly at the two of them. It was about fucking time they got together. 

He pictured Eddie calming Bill down, Bill’s hands shaking, heart broken that Richie just...just  _ left _ like he did. He felt their emotions, the roller coaster they must be feeling. 

And of course there was Stan. He knew Stan must be shattered about Richie leaving as long as he did, without a proper goodbye, and without any visits. He could still see the smile on the curly haired boy’s face when Richie got down on one knee when they stopped on the side of the road on the way up, he could still feel Stan’s long fingers gripping to him whenever they would hug, as if it was all a dream he didn’t want to let go. Richie thought about looking in the car’s mirror at Stan, his face illuminated by the golden sunlight. Richie wished he could paint, because he wanted to accurately portray the beauty in front of him. Richie knew Stan had every right to be upset, but he couldn’t help but hope he would forgive him. They loved each other after all.

Before Riche left, he pictured them all together once again. He might not have seen them in 27 years, but they never really left his side.

 

Richie splashed water on his face before he left his hotel room. He had decided to walk, since the others were close by and he wanted to see the town again. Unsurprisingly, it was almost the same it had been when he was 17, same stores, same restaurants, same scenery, and what almost seemed like the same people. 

Before he even had time to mull over the worry of the other 6 being upset with him, he had arrived. 

He closed his eyes and gulped, pushing aside the gate door and heading to where he knew they would all be. Tears were flowing freely from his eyes now, and his shoulders shook at an alarming rate. 

There they were, his losers. All six of them, under a tree blooming with flowers. Distant noise of cars could be heard in the background, which caused Richie to think about that road trip to the mountains once more. 

_ ‘In My Life’ by The Beatles came on the cars beat up radio, which caused the group to all excitedly break out into song. Richie thought, a smile on his face, that the radio was magic, sure a song playing from a record was cool and all, but something about hearing a song you love on the radio makes you feel lucky and magical. _

_ “There are places I remember. All my life, though some have changed.” _

_ Beverly winded her window down, and stuck her hand out.  _

_ “Some forever, not for better. Some have gone, and some remain.” _

_ Richie had never felt more content in his entire life. Bev was on his left, smiling sweetly at him before turning to the back-back seats, where Ben had fallen asleep.  _

_ “With lovers and friends, I still can recall.” _

_ Mike was also asleep, his head resting on Ben’s shoulder.  _

_ “Some are dead and some are living.” _

_ Richie turned back to the front of the car, where Bill was turning up the radio. Richie caught his eyes in the rear-view mirror, and Bill smiled, big and genuine.  _

_ “In my life, I’ve loved them all.” _

_ Richie looked over to Eddie, who had his hand lightly on Bill’s knee.  _

_ “But of all these friends and lovers...” _

_ Richie looked over to Stan, and abruptly forgot that the two of them weren’t the only people in the world.  _

_ “There is no one compares with you.” _

_ Richie wrapped his hands around his boyfriend’s- scratch that… fiance’s rosy cheeks, and leaned in for a soft, passionate kiss.  _

_ “And these memories lose their meaning…” _

_ The two pulled slowly away from each other’s lips, instead opting for resting their foreheads on the other’s. Richie could feel Stan breathing, and his eyelashes gently brushing against his freckled face.  _

_ “When I think of love as something new.” _

_ Richie wished they could stay like that forever, just listening to Stan’s quiet breath, and what seemed to be the best fucking song in the universe at the moment.  _

_ “Though I know I’ll never lose affection for people and things that went before.” _

_ Richie found his hand intertwined with Stan’s, and laid his head gently on the beautiful boy’s chest as the song drifted on.  _

_ “I know I’ll often stop and think about them.” _

_ “In my life, I love you more.” _

_ “Stanley Uris, you are the love of my life.” _

_ “-Bill! Watch ou-” _

_ The next thing Richie knew, he had been thrown through the windshield. His head pulsed in pain, but he didn’t care. He felt blood dripping from nose and mouth, his arm made an odd clicking noise, but in that moment, Richie Tozier didn’t give one fuck.  _

_ He threw himself up, off the road, running towards the car his family was in.  _

_ Richie never understood the meaning ‘between a rock and a hard place’, but in that moment, those were the only words to describe what he saw. The rock, of course, being a tree, and the hard place being a semi-truck.  _

_ He pulled the driver’s door open so hard, it fell off its hinges. It was the only door exposed enough for Richie to reach, and he suddenly wished he had been hit harder when he flew out of the car, so he wouldn’t have seen the horrific sight in front of him. Bill’s neck was bent at an odd angle, his mouth hung open slightly, and his eyes glassy. Blood was everywhere. Richie took a shaky breath. He needed to keep his composure, check on the others and get his phone.  _

_ Luckily, he saw Bill’s phone in the cupholder. He grabbed it, dialed 911, said his name, location, and told them to come quick. Richie let out a strangled sob. _

_ “Keep it together. Keep it together.” He said to himself. He grabbed his pocket knife and cut the seatbelt stuck around Bill, and pulled him out as carefully (and quickly) as he could.  _

_ Richie was horrified to see Big Bill looking so small, he was horrified thinking about the others in that car. _

_ Richie flung into the car, immediately checking Eddie’s pulse.  _

_ Eddie’s eyes, too were glossy, his face permanently stuck in one of horror. Richie’s hand flung over his mouth, trying not to scream. He closed Eddie’s eyes.  _

_ There were still four others. He climbed over the middle console, practically flying over to Bev, whose eyes were rolled back and body was limp, arm practically crushed from where the truck collided. Ben and Mike were bad, too, Ben bleeding from almost the entire right side of his body. Richie gagged at the sight. He couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Mike or Stan. He couldn’t lose any more. But he knew he had to look. Mike’s left arm was dislocated, his legs crushed between the seats. His eyes were closed, there was no pulse. Richie couldn’t bring himself to look at Stan. He wouldn’t. But, a quiet wheeze in his ear forced him to.  _

_ Stan was breathing. Stan was alive.  _

_ Richie almost started screaming. _

_ “Stan? Stan? Do you hear me?” _

_ He nodded. _

_ “I’m going to get you out of here.” _

_ Richie immediately pulled Stan out of the wreckage and laid him in the grass. Richie couldn’t lie. He looked bad. His springy curls were matted to his head with blood, his nose, mouth, and ears were bleeding, and his eyes fluttered from being opened and closed. Stan also must have had a cut somewhere on his back or side, because blood was pooling underneath him.  _

_ Richie was panicking.  _

_ “Stan, you’re going to be okay. I promise.” _

_ Stan laughed, a scary, gurgling noise. “Cut the bullshit, Richie. I know it’s bad.” He coughed, making a similar noise to the previous laugh.  _

_ “Stan.. don’t- don’t say that.” Richie said, tears rolling down his face in full force. _

_ “I-I love you. And I always will. You-you’re my dream.” Stan said, voice weak.  _

_ Richie cried more, uncontrollably at that point.  _

_ “Thank y-you. For everything, ‘Chee.” _

_ Richie nodded, holding onto Stan’s hands for dear life.  _

_ “You w-w-were always my,” he paused to cough, “my light.” _

_ Richie kissed Stan gently, his lips tasted like blood,  _

_ “Si-sing to me Richie.” _

_ “ _ _ Though I know I'll never lose affection. For people and things that went before.” Richie sang shakily, as best as he could.  _

_ Stan’s fingertips grazed Richie’s cheekbone, and his heart shattered right then, right there.  _

_ Sirens were in the distance, and for a minute Richie had hope they could save him before- before he left, too.  _

_ “I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I love you more.” _

_ “Til’-til’ we meet again, love of my-my l-life.” Stan sputtered out, using the rest of his energy. _

_ Richie held Stan in his arms as the life in his eyes faded out.  _

_ “In my life… I love you more.”  _

_ Richie’s entire world shattered from under him. _

_ And there was no one left to save him.  _

_ Richie did all that he knew he could, after losing the only people in the world he cared about. He screamed. He screamed his lungs out, even when he was in the ambulance, even when he was in his hospital room.  _

_ He had lost everything. _

 

Richie could cry for hours about what had happened, all of those years ago. But instead, he started off by doing what he did best- talking. He sat down in front of the 6 graves, looking carefully at each one. 

“Hey guys. I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner. I know it must be crazy. I’m practically an old man now.” He laughed quietly to himself.

He stared thoughtfully at Eddie’s. “You’d be up my ass about sitting in the grass without a blanket or towel right now. Wouldn’t you? That’s like you though. Always caring so deeply about others, no regard for yourself. You are the most selfless person I’ve ever met in my life, Eddie Kaspbrak. Do you remember that time that you, me, Ben, and Bill had climbed up that tree? You fell and broke your arm, and Bill had scratched his leg on the way down to you. You were so worried about him, Eds, you didn’t even realize your own pain. And that wasn’t the only time that ever happened. Do you remember when Bev was so stressed about that book report on whatever fucking novel we were reading at the time? You volunteered to help her with it, and you stayed up so late with her, making sure it was perfect, so she would be eligible for that fashion design class. You were so busy helping her do hers, you completely forgot to do yours.”

“I guess my point is, your heart was always in the right place. No matter the circumstances. I always learned so much from you. I know that for a real long time in high school, you thought you were a coward, since you didn’t want to confront your mom about her forcing you to take all of those pills. You even called yourself one, in front of all of us, and I had wanted to slap you. You were never, once in your life a coward Eddie. And not a lot of men can say that.” 

Right next to Eddie’s grave was that of no other than Bill Denbrough-Kaspbrak. Richie didn’t expect this to hurt so bad. He had seen their corpses for fucks sake, he can’t handle some concrete? Apparently not. 

“Billiam, Big Bill. Bill. You were my second friend I had ever made.” Richie’s voice cracked. He looked up at the sky. 

“You were the second friend I’d ever made. Of course, Eddie came along almost exactly after you did. I still-still remember the day you guys finally got engaged. It was at Ben’s new year party, I remembered the countdown reaching 0… everyone was kissing, screaming. Laughing. You got down on one knee while Eddie was hugging Bev. He turned to you, said: ‘No fucking way,’ and pulled out a ring box from his pocket. The two of you collided so quickly, hugging and crying, and of course, and the rest of us were crying, as well. Ugh god. I fucking hate this world for what it did to us. For what it did to you. You guys all had such bright, shining futures ahead of you.”

Richie wiped his eyes. “Bill, you always were my inspiration. From the moment I met you, I wanted to be just like you. I think all of the losers can relate. You always seemed so strong, so in control. I envied you. I loved you. I still love you.”

Richie paused thoughtfully. “You gave us all a family. And God knows we all needed one.”

He took a long breath before proceeding. He was not really ready to continue. But, he knew he had to. He couldn’t leave again. 

“Mike.” Richie shook his head, remembering the way his legs had been crushed in between the seats. Richie closed his eyes as hard as he could. 

“Calm down. Calm down. 

_ Calm down.” Richie told himself as he was in front of the doors to the funeral home. His hand was in a cast, he had bruises almost everywhere. He felt dirty, despite having showered minutes before he left.  _

_ Music drifted quietly from speakers, which Richie immediately recognized as The Smashing Pumpkins cover of ‘Landslide’.  _

_ He opened the door.  _

_ He saw 6 coffins. Each slightly different, all covered in beautiful arrangements of flowers.  _

_ He wasn’t surprised to see the coffins weren’t open. He had seen the others, he knew they were beyond repair. However, there were 7 pictures at the front of the room.  _

_ The first was Bev’s. It was from her wedding. Her face was alive with laughter, and her eyes caught the sun so perfectly, it looked like they were glowing. Richie closed his eyes sadly. She looked like an angel. _

_ Ben’s was also from their wedding, he was looking to the left, a warm smile taking over his features. Richie knew that Bev must have been to the left.  _

_ In between the two was a sonogram picture. Richie let out a strangled sob. Beverly had told them excitedly that she was having a boy, and she had been due in 5 months. She had even told them she had decided on a name. Richard. Richard Hanscom.  _

_ Bill’s photo was him on a swing. He took that photo. Bill also had a wide smile, which was so contagious, it hurt.  _

_ Eddie’s was of him on Bill’s shoulders. He looked slightly scared, most likely because he thought Bill would drop him (He didn’t).  _

_ Mike’s was of him in a field of sunflowers. Like the others, Mike was completely glowing.  _

_ That brought him to Stan’s. Stan was sat at a piano, his face upwards, towards the sky. He looked like a god, or like a statue carved from marble. Richie was never able to explain Stan’s beauty in words. Richie remembered that day vividly. Stan and him slow danced right after he took the photo. Richie smiled slightly, tears still falling down his face. _

_ People had started to stare now, quiet murmurs of ‘poor kid’ were everywhere.  _

_ Some even approached him, telling him those common pity phrases of ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ ‘God has a plan.’ and the worst of all ‘You are so lucky to have survived.’ _

_ Richie sure as hell didn’t feel lucky. He didn’t think he was lucky either. Luck would’ve been cracking his head open when he flew through the window. Luck was dying so he didn’t have to be the only one left. If this was luck, he didn’t understand the big deal about it.  _

_ But, Richie knew he wasn’t lucky. Because as soon as the other’s lives ended, his did, too.  _

 

Going to their funeral was one of the hardest things he had ever done in his life. Coming back was up there, too. 

 

“Mike, you were always kind of like the dad in my life. I know that sounds fucking ridiculous, but it was true. You taught me how to ride a bike, you always had my back no matter what happened. You were the one who listened to my problems and gave me advice. I was- I am so thankful to have had you in my life. I don’t know where I would’ve ended up without you.” He laughed. “I’m, uh I’m actually surprised I’ve made it this far without you. You were always my anchor. I could turn to you when I had nowhere to go. I just- Thank you. Thank you so much for all you've done for me.”

Richie rubbed his face. He was tired. He had been for a long time. 

“Ben. You are still, to this day the most thoughtful, sweet, and gentle person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. I still remember in high school, you helping me write a poem for Eddie, who was my boyfriend at the time.” Richie laughed. “Poor, confused, gay Richie.”

“Anyway, you were helping me write a poem, and you asked me who it was for. I laughed and said that it was obviously for Eds, and you just shook your head at me. I was so confused, until I read the poem back and it was all about birds, and falling in love. I realized I was fucked right when you did. And you helped me through it. From the break up to what seemed like an unrequited crush, you were constantly there.” 

“And when Bill and Beverly started dating, I helped you through it. We always saw it through. And you always helped me, no matter how fucked the situation I was in was. That right there, takes courage. Patience. To help me through my mistakes. Because I sure as hell make a lot of them.” 

“Bev.. oh god Bev. I miss you so damn much. I miss our cigarette breaks. I miss us talking about our futures scared, but oh, so hopeful. I still remember how scared you were about being a mom. You were so scared that you’d turn out like your parents. I told you that you would be the best mom. And I wasn’t lying. I meant that with every part of me. And it hurts like a bitch knowing that you never got the chance to see your little boy grow up.  Hell, you didn’t even get to grow up.” 

Richie felt shattered. He had tried to shut out all of these memories for so long, and it was more than overwhelming to have them come back so quickly. 

“Stan.” His eyes lingered on his gravestone, and he tried his best to not think about the body decaying underneath his feet. 

“I-I never got the chance to say goodbye to you. Not properly, at least. When I said that you were the love of my life, Stan, I meant it.” He looked sadly at the silver band on his wedding finger. He never got the chance to marry the love of his life, but he wore the band anyway. “And when I proposed to you, and I said that I wouldn’t want to spend my life in anyone else’s arms, I meant it. Stan, I love you, and I always will. 

“A lot of people ask me what my favorite memory I had with you was. And the truth is, every second I spent with you was my favorite. Every time I was in your presence was heavenly. You make me believe in something greater. Simply because you were that something greater.”

“A moment that I will never forget, however, is the night of our senior prom, the night when we got together. You were throwing up all over the high school bathroom’s floor because someone had spiked the punch. I remember you laughing before throwing up more, and you had said something along the lines of ‘I’m a hot mess.’ and I responded ‘You got the hot part right.’ and you turned to me, vomit still on your chin, and your eyes had a certain light I had never quite seen before. I wiped your face off with a paper towel, and you leaned into the touch. I literally thought I was going to explode. We both began leaning in, until our lips met. You somehow managed to not taste or smell like throw up, which I remember I thought was the most remarkable thing.”

“For the rest of the night, we slow danced to every song, even the fast paced ones. You luckily didn’t throw up again.”

“Another night I’ll remember forever was the night of the two B’s wedding. For multiple reasons, of course, but the most important piece of that night is when the 7 of us all danced together. I remember everyones’ face so clearly. Especially yours, Stan. I had only seen you so happy once. You were like a sun, radiating light to the other 6 of us. I will never in my life forget your face. I never could. It’s not exactly easy to forget.”

The sun had began to set at that point, which caused Richie to frown. 

“I’ve loved you my whole life Stan.”

Richie stood up, brushing the dirt from the knees of his pants. 

“And I will never stop.”

Richie stared sadly at the graves in front of him. 

“Well I guess this is goodbye, for now. I would just like to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry none of you got to graduate college. Sorry that most of you never were able to get married. To own a house. To fill that house with children of your own. I’m sorry that you never got to feel the tragedy and joy that comes with growing up. But most of all I’m sorry that we never got to say goodbye to each other. Sorry that I never truly got to tell you how much I loved you all. But I hope, more than anything in this world, that you guys already knew.”

**Author's Note:**

> :')  
> I know Richie wouldn't realistic survive the accident if he was flown from the windshield, but it makes the most sense for story telling purposes.


End file.
